facing myself - Discussion with my brother about Education

Yesterday I had a talk with my brother about education and being a parent and the situation becomes slowly unruly.
The whole discussion was based on being loud in expression lol - but not on blaming each other nor angry - just loud and fast.
After the discussion my experience was a "feeling of more free" - more free from some pent up & suppressed stuff within me.

From my starting point I talked about this to support him and me - to see where I stand and to
let him know that nobody is special in their education and that everybody handle education how oneself become
eductated only with different pictures but with the same reaction and similar believes about right and wrong.

Then in one moment he tried to attack me verbally about my past experience and that I say one time so and one time so.
Specialy he told about where I said I will no longer use the money from the government - this was
in my spiritual/new age time  where I stoped then for 1,5 years to use this money.

In this time I experienced for only 1 month to have less then 3 € per week for 3 people - I was glad that it was summer
so we had some fruits and corn to eat and with the money we buyed flour.
From that on I started use the money from the government again because I would never experience how it is to be poor.

When my borther spoke about this I experienced some patterns of unsecure & inferiore within me also a point of
fear - that I am not trust worthy enough.
I see & realize my unstable point of taking still something personally what other say/believe about me and that I want/wish to be
trustworthy - so to speak I want to be a good person in some cases.

I see the point of trust and/or trustworthy is and shall not be for others but for me as I stand. Do I trust myself in every moment and
are my words what I speak, spoken in self-honesty thus trusworthy. Am I the words what I speak or are they nothing but smoke and mirrors.
To want/wish/desire to be trustworthy is just seperating me from the actual deed of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel verbally attacked by others instead of realizing that verbally attack exist only when I take it personally and give or still exist within me the words definition as good & bad thus a polare defnition. A polare definition do not really exist in real - it is a happening within the mind as a separation of Life as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what my borther or orthers beLIEve and say about me personally and place it in a polarity-catergory of good and bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience unsecurity in connection with the thought I am not trustwhorthy enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear in connection with the thought that I am not trustworthy enough.

I frogive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/wish/desire to being trustworthy enough so that others will accepte and respect me
as who I am instead of realizing that through participating within a want/wish/desire I sperate me from me as life as the actuall deed and living word
as trustworthy and further I have to respect and accept myself as who I really am within & as the physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define & charge the words not trustworthy enough with a negative value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spearate me frome the words not trustworthy enough through defining the words with an negative value in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have done something wrong in my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge past experiences like my spritual-new-age time with an negative value.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from my spiritual-new-age time through judging this time/my past and everything what I have told people as my knowledge & realizations from that with an negative value in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in connection what I have told people within my spriritual-new-age time instead of realizing that everthing what I have seen in this time was & is a support of realizing what is real & whats deception/illusion. I am in process like everyone else to investigate in system and learn from them to can support others and me effectivly to get out of this shit what we have created, acepted and allowed and direct me to the point of standing as Equal as all Life as One.